Turn, turn, turn

This thought keeps smacking me in the face at the most inopportune times.  Sometimes it really is like a slap; It catches me off guard and brings me to attention like the crack of a rifle very near.  Other times it is more like a seductive caress creeping in through the corners of my thoughts.

“You need to organize your time as well as space. You are accomplishing much less than you are capable of. Stop cheating your loved ones and the world at large by letting life overwhelm you and paralyze you.  Figure out what matters most to you, and focus your energy where you will get the returns that matter most to you.”

Damn, if that doesn’t make perfect sense.  My inaction is almost never borne from apathy.  Rather, it is my perfectionism manifesting in a self-sabotaging way.  If I can’t do something knock-it-out-of-the-park well, I’d really rather not do it.  I don’t know if this is simply the fear of failure, or if I am just someone who needs to reassure herself that I am valuable through success.  Honestly, I don’t care, except that self-awareness breeds empowerment to change ineffective behavior.  I just want to live better.

I want to feel confident again.  I don’t mean about my looks…that is a whole other post.  I mean about who I am, the decisions I make, the good I can do…what I contribute to the world, both in the smaller scale with my family and friends and humanity as a whole.  I want to feel like I can handle whatever life throws at me.  Anxiety has been robbing me of parts of myself for years, but confidence is the thing anxiety took from me that I miss the most.

So, I am going to start living purposefully.  They say the best way to become something is to act like you already are.  So I’m figuring out my goals, and making a plan for getting there.  I’m tired of letting my life run me.  It’s time to run my life.