Money isn’t everything. Until you get laid off.

I am going to be very raw and real here and to be perfectly honest, I am not sure I can even post this once I write it.  If I do, I may not leave it up for long.  But I need to write.  I need to try to organize my thoughts and feelings and try to make some sense of it all.

I’m struggling.  I usually do that when our finances get in a mess, and they are *really* in a mess right now.  I was denied food stamps, more than likely because DCF’s fax line was busy every time I tried to fax them the verification they asked for. For the full week before the deadline.  And I’m not even sure if what I had was acceptable anyway because how am I supposed to prove child support paid privately, instead of through the courts?  And why didn’t they want that in December when I applied the first time?  So I’m appealing and hoping the food stamps I still have from May are enough to feed us until then.  And how long am I going to wait to get a decision from unemployment about reinstating the benefits they suspended, not because I did not submit the information they asked for…but because I thought that the red starred items marked “required” were the only required information?  Silly me.  Or because I thought just submitting the information would be enough…not that I would have to call, for hours, to speak with a human and ask them to review it.  Silly me.  I thought “Submit” meant Submit, not “Whether you fill out this information online or not, we won’t review it until you ask us nicely to do so.”  Silly me.

All the bills that have already become due this month are late, except our car insurance.  In all honesty, if I can’t find a job THIS WEEK, or get both food stamps and unemployment reinstated, I may have to cancel the insurance and just pray nothing happens.  My kids have to eat, you know?  It’s illegal in Florida to drive without insurance.  But it’s also illegal to starve your kids or hook on the street corner and those are my alternatives.  We are completely out of money, we have no credit cards, and our completely minimized expenses are greater than our income.

And it’s not like I haven’t been trying to find a job.  I’ve probably made over 100 contacts.  Several, through friends seemed promising.  But the ONLY response I received that wasn’t a craigslist scam was from a small cafe about ten miles away, for a part time waitressing job.  My interview is on Tuesday.  If I don’t get it, I’m so screwed.

I scrapped my van for $200 and did someone’s homework for $60 to pay the power bill.  I’m trying to sell my iPad to pay the mortgage.  I wish my mom and our friend who are on our cell phone plan would throw some in on the bill, because I only have half of that, and since I’m canceling the house phone this month, we kind of need our cell phones or I’ll have no chance in hell of finding a job-they will have no way to reach me.  I can cut the internet until school starts again in the fall.  We shut off the central a/c unit and are just running a window unit in the living room to try to reduce the bill.  The kids have been sleeping in the there because their rooms are like ovens. The pool is green because we can’t afford the chemicals, and our poor kids are stuck in this Florida hotbox all summer-we can’t afford to take them anywhere to do anything, and they can’t even use the pool in their own backyard.  I had to borrow money to get the MMR shot I needed to enroll at USF.

We are middle America and we are on the brink of losing everything.  I know everyone is having to tighten their belts a bit, but this is ridiculous.  I can’t be so close to homelessness, can I?  But yes, I can.  The mortgage is in my mom’s name…I can’t let it damage her credit, and she retired last year-she can’t afford the mortgage.  But I’m already late.  Might we have to leave to rent it out…opening a whole new slew of potential problems?  I hate this house.  But it’s our home and I know we will never find another house with enough room for $600/month.  Even if we could, how do we know the renters won’t find themselves in our same shoes two months in and we wind up homeless, and STILL with an unpaid mortgage?  So where will we wind up?  And we certainly can’t afford a deposit or we could just stay here.  This is how families get trapped at weekly hotels, never able to save enough to get back in a home because they can’t save the deposits while keeping the family under a roof somewhere now.

I’ve scrapped a van..I’m selling my iPad..I think I may have to sell the pickup truck from my Daddy which completely breaks my heart..even more than the fact that I may have to sell my car that I LOVE and try to find something reliable enough to get me to classes in St Pete in the fall, (90 minutes away, twice a week. And back.), that is cheaper..the only good jewelry I have means so much to me that I can’t hold back the tears any more at the thought of having to sell them.  My wedding rings, and things from people I’ve lost…my mother-in-law’s necklace that my father and sister in law gifted me for my birthday…the ring that my brother wore…my Dad’s wedding band…my Grammy’s gold chain and ring.

I’ve had some lovely people offer to help.  And I know it is prideful to not accept the help that is offered.  But I don’t want to be perceived as a mooch.  I WANT to pay my own way.  I want a job, a fair wage, a chance to prove that I have so much to offer.  I don’t want to need any help.  I hate being on unemployment and food stamps, but until someone gives me a shot to prove I can be an asset to their business, I can’t survive without them.  I can’t feed my children without them.  Every day I don’t have them or a job makes that more and more apparent.  I’m in a panic, all the time.  And I feel like I can’t take it any more.