OMG. Don’t have a coronary, but I posted.
Oct 24
I think I’m not alone when I say this has been an extremely challenging year. I’m really going to try to get back into the swing of things here because the truth is that I need a creative outlet where I can talk about what’s happening in my life and the world, at large. Since I’m still uninsured, therapy is out of the question, and hosting is under $50 a year so this is my Plan B. I’m going to kick it off with a list of what’s happening.
- The Boy and his girlfriend are having my first grandchild, a boy, in March. I won’t even be 35, neither of them will quite be 18 yet. But, no point in being upset now, so I’m looking forward to having a baby in the immediate family again.
- The Boy violated his probation when he was pulled over in the next county. I am expecting him home in early December. I’m praying becoming a father really helps him focus on staying out of trouble. Please pray too.
- My stepson went to live with his mom. We are still waiting for final confirmation that DCF will allow it, since his mom has an old case plan that wasn’t complete. We miss him, but it has definitely reduced the stress in the house.
- I finished my AA over the summer and I started at USF in August. I am carrying all A’s and B’s, which is awesome because the transition from a community college to a university is TOUGH. I literally work on school 6-8 hours. every. day.
- I’m sure I have lipedema, and it explains SO MANY issues I’ve had over the years. But as much as a relief as that is, knowing how little control I really have over my body is a tough pill to swallow, especially since I can’t afford any treatment.
- I’m starting a clinical trial tomorrow for a new depression medication. It will pay for my gas to St Pete 2/week for classes, which is a huge plus. I’m hoping that if the med would help me, the powers that be make it so I get it and not a placebo.
- We painted my living room/dining room, and it looks SO MUCH BETTER. Can’t wait to put the floors in. I really hate this house, and coming home to it makes me panicky sometimes. (I know, I should be happy I even HAVE a home right now.)
So, it’s not much…but it’s a start. Sometimes I want to write, but it’s hard to share myself here when some days I don’t even know who I am. I started out my 30′s full of confidence and feeling very settled with who I was. But now, I am struggling with so much self-contempt. I know we all go through those times when we feel we can’t do anything right, and even the victories we can claim seem attributable to someone or something else, so I’m trying to just wade through it. Maybe those are the things I need to talk about the most, but it seems like I’m afraid all the time. Afraid of what you may think…afraid of what *I* may think…afraid of coming off whiney or negative and chasing my friends away…afraid to say something that may haunt me in the future. I am struggling so much with people about things that I don’t feel like should even be an issue, and it makes me doubt myself. It’s like I’m 15 all over again. Including the acne. :-/