Oh Ma Gawd. It’s a Cheeky Scandal.
If you are one of those people who can’t understand that sometimes good people make questionable decisions, and that sometimes circumstances drive people to do things they wouldn’t otherwise do, you may as well remove me from your reader or bookmarks because you are going to hate me forever after I spill these beans. I just had my blog’s 2nd anniversary, and I have lived in fear that entire time that you guys would find out my biggest skeleton. But you know, why wait for the inevitable? Someone will eventually find out, and why should I give them, if they are a shit-stirrer, the satisfaction of watching me attempt to restore my reputation? So, I’m spilling the beans myself. You may think less of me, and that’s okay. Sometimes I think less of myself. But I’m not going to hide my mistakes behind my successes, because they all have equally contributed to who I am today.
I’ve talked a little about what I call ‘the Dark Ages,’ the worst years of my marriage. It was a time when I never knew if I would have enough food for the kids for the week. I lived in fear of the power company truck and knew the men who delivered shut off notices by name. I never knew if Brian was actually at work or not, so I never knew if there would be a paycheck for bills and groceries. I decided to take over the financial responsibilities to give myself some peace of mind, but then Brian was using my car to go get stoned with his strip club dj friend-and he would take the kids with him. He didn’t take care of them adequately, and I still had to manage the home myself. It was bad…..REALLY bad. I knew I had to figure out a way to pay the bills and still be home to care for the kids and run the house.
And that’s how I became an amateur web girl.
It started when a friend joked about how he tried to get his wife to sell her panties online. I laughed my ass off..I couldn’t believe people actually did that. So I looked it up, like I do everything I don’t know about, and sure as shit, there were entire auction sites devoted to selling panties. I was desperate. My mom had been paying my mortgage for months, because I was only earning enough to pay for our groceries and utilities. We hadn’t had auto insurance for more than a year. Things were bad, and I thought, “Well, what’s the big deal? It’s not like anyone is touching me. And even $20 a week would mean a pack of diapers or two meals for all of us.” I figured no one would ever want to buy them if they knew I was chubby….but after looking through some of the ads, I saw that there were other chubby girls…some a lot bigger than me…that got lots of bids. It was the first time I learned the phrase BBW, or big beautiful woman, and that there is a fairly large niche, (no pun intended), in the adult industry that caters to mainly men who prefer a large woman.
I was a bit thunderstruck. I spent my early twenties being “that girl.” The one that everybody loved, but not the one that anyone wanted to publicly date. I always assumed it was because I was chubby. I couldn’t figure out what else it could be-I got along with most guys famously, I know I have a fairly cute face, I was funny and independent and real. I *was* the girl everybody said they wanted, but apparently they only wanted it in a size 8 or under. So I never imagined there were men who actually preferred a girl like me. I just thought it was something the men I did date dealt with.
Fascination overcame me, and I started checking out the websites I found online. I was really turned off by the corporate type bbw sites, but I feel the same way about mainstream corporate porn, so that was no surprise. However, I thought the amateur girls’ sites were pretty cool. I didn’t feel as squirmy ethically about the women in the amateur sites because they ran their own sites and businesses-it wasn’t that casting couch director-type taking advantage of a struggling actress or even an addict. I looked at the girls who had their own sites, and I thought, you know, I’m as pretty as that girl….why couldn’t I do that? I could make enough money to get off welfare, pay my OWN mortgage, and get divorced. It wasn’t an ideal situation, but I had to do something, and my options were very limited.
So I contacted a webmaster and a photographer. I posed nude for the first time in the spring of 2004. I was about seven months post-partum, and it was really hard to take my clothes off in front of a stranger, to be forever chronicled on film. But somehow, I got through it. The photographer was professional and did not attempt to take any liberties with me. But I was very naive about the business, and I didn’t really understand what TFP, or “Time for Prints,” meant. That came back to bite me in the butt later; in fact it is an issue that could still affect me to this day. But for all I knew at that time, it went well, and I got a disc with all the photos that I could use however I wanted, and I was actually one of the very few plus sized women chosen for Hustler’s Beaver Hunt.
I started posing for the webmaster a week or two later. He was less professional. He was a fan of big girls himself, and it was obvious he had an attraction for me, but it was very, very one sided. I didn’t trust him, and no matter how good-looking someone is-which he wasn’t, by the way-if I think he’s shady, I’m not interested. Still, he took a couple of my favorite shots off all time of me. As our business relationship progressed, he realized I was a smart girl, and he started tapping me to research some adult marketing strategies. That backfired, because the more I learned and passed on to him, the more I realized I didn’t need a webmaster at all. About this time I was hired to shoot for a big butt site in Virginia. The pay was excellent, and the people I worked for were just genuinely nice people who were total professionals. After seeing how far from the standard my webmaster was, I quit working for him. Again, the whole TFP thing came back to bite me in the ass, and he turned out to be very dishonest, so my gut feeling was right.
So, I launched my site on my own. I did camshows for members, and shot a new photos set and video weekly. I made enough money to separate from Brian and support my family on my own, without needing daycare. I just shot or worked on photos when the kids were in bed, and did camshows when Brian had the kids. I was getting fanmail daily, and the more I marketed myself on forums and gallery sites, the more fans I got. It was completely bizarre to me that anyone would pay money to talk to me on the phone, or watch me strip on the webcam, or see pictures of me naked….I’m just an average looking girl with a big ass, you know? But it was nice to hear the compliments, and I did start to look at my body as something that is beautiful in it’s own way. Eventually I migrated my site to the network that the people in Virginia were running. I also did affiliate marketing for the corporate sites and sponsors to make a little extra cash on the side.
When I started my current job, I mostly stopped updating the site. I just didn’t have time, and I lost interest because I had a regular source of income. About six months after I started, someone sent my photo to the general inspector of the child protection organization in my district. I don’t work *for* that agency, but closely alongside it, and the photo made it’s way to my program director. Can you get more humiliating than that? I immediately deleted the website and every account I could think of that I had to promote the site. Pulled it all down, wondering if I was going to get fired and I was killing the only way I’d have to feed my kids until I found something else. But I was lucky-the lawyers said what I did on my own time was of no interest to the program. That’s one advantage of working for a program run under a university-they’re pretty big on personal liberties.
As much as that chapter in my life is over, it still can affect me at any point today. I don’t think what I did was anything to be ashamed of, exactly…I was taking responsibility for my family and doing whatever it took to support them, and I’ll never be ashamed of that. But I do feel sad that I was in a situation that made me feel I had no choice but to sell-out and use my body to do so. I never did anything that made me uncomfortable, and I didn’t sleep with anyone but my husband. But still, people will judge. You may be judging me right now. That bothers me, because this one little chunk of my past does not define me. And what’s worse, I will never have any peace that it is over, for two reasons-first, because once you post something on the internet, it’s out there forever, living on someone’s hard drive even if you pull it off your server, and second, because I was foolish in two business decisions I made. That TFP mess I waltzed myself right into means that those two people have the right to use my pictures however THEY want, too. One sold my images on a content resale site, and I’ve seen my image on the headers of those corporate sites I hated. Another not only sold my images, but also a video that he had no release for, and it is at this moment on the internet for anyone to see. I have been unable to get that buyer to remove the video because they are based in another country. I will never know when a client, or colleague, or reader, or my children’s teachers or friends or their friends’ parents will stumble upon the content of me that is still floating around out there. I do take some comfort in the fact that BBW is a specialized niche…you kind of have to be looking for it to come across it. But still, it’s something that paralyzes me for a moment whenever someone says I look familiar.
The only thing about this I’m “judging” is the fact that we live in a society where the easiest way for a woman to make money us with her body.
AND, I grew up in that welfare cycle. I know how hard it is to get off. Can’t make too much, can’t make enough.
I’m sorry you have this hanging over your head.
Miss Britt´s last blog ..My Marriage Counselor Is Going To Have To Pay That Hooker He Stiffs.
It *is* super hard. I think the welfare reform that went on about 10-15 yrs ago was good in principle, but what they forgot to do was help the people who are helping themselves the most. Instead, the 'tweeners' who are working, but having trouble making ends meet, are left out in the cold.
And thank you.
Oh honey. I’m so so sorry you had to go through this. I’m glad you see the good that came from it, though. You ARE beautiful and you did what you had to do to take care of your kids. And succeeded! I’m glad you’ve written about it. It always helps to get it off your chest so you don’t have to live under it’s shadow anymore. I love you, Angel. That’s not something I say lightly either.This won’t change my opinion of you, and it won’t change how your real friends feel. Love ya honey.
I love you, too-so thankful to have you in my life. Thank you.
I agree with Miss Britt about the selling of a woman’s body. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are still real and beautiful to me. I can’t really say I’m sorry you have been through that since it did help you realize how beautiful and smart you are. I don’t think there is anything to be sorry for. And, I think your kids would understand if something were to happen. They know you love them. As far as other kids parents, if they judge, then what skeletons do they have??
That is one thing I try *really* hard to do-not to judge people for their choices. We have all done things we wish we hadn't.
Thank you.
You know…you did what a momma had to do. You had to survive and feed your babies. There is NO shame in that. Trust me girl…I’ve been at points in my life where I’ve had to consider options I didn’t want to consider. Shit, I’m there NOW. But just know that your true friends and family love and respect you no matter what the past held for you. You’re a wonderful woman and a fantastic mother and truthfully, I’ve got nothing but mucho respect for you!! Muah!
ZenBitch´s last blog ..Trick-or-Treating 101
Thank you, Jill..one thing I am, is a survivor. In many senses of the word.
Anyone who would judge you for doing what you had to do for a brief period of time isn’t really worth knowing. You did what you had to and you learned so much because of it.
I’m still here.
Thanks, Hilly, and I hope you feel better in time for Saturday!
Ditto what everyone else has said. *hugs*
Trishk´s last blog ..Future Actions Will Speak Louder Than Words
Thanks, Trish!
Wow, I can’t imagine living with that “waiting for the other shoe to drop” feeling, wondering all the time who is going to find what and use it against you. That sucks.
I’m curious about how you’re going to address this with your kids, if at all, and when, if ever.
I didn’t ever put pictures on the web, but I put a lot of opinions and potty-mouthed rants in forums that will be archived forever and are fully searchable – using my real name! That was kind of stupid of me, in hindsight. Sometimes I worry that one of the other moms at church is going to find them! That would be awkward.
I’m still here, too. I wouldn’t judge you. It sounds like the perfect example of desperate times calling for desperate measures, and I can’t say that if I were in the same situation, I wouldn’t do the exact same thing. I think you’re really brave for your confession.
Amy´s last blog ..Who are you?
OMG, Amy, it suuuuuuuucked to worry about it all the time. I am already a worrier, battling anxiety, so it was awful.
My 15yo son knows; he understands. He really hopes no one he knows ever finds out but he says he'll handle it if they do. My daughters I worry about more. It's really important to me that they value themselves and their bodies, and even though I had reasons, the first thought when someone does something like this is that they don't value themselves. So I'm not really sure how I will handle that. I think I will tell them, when they are adults, and just pray no one outs me to them before that.
Thank you.
You’re worried about me judging you and feeling shame, I’m over here thinking, “wow, that’s SO COOL! She’s like Jessica from Heroes!”
Your cool points just sky rocketed, as far as I’m concerned.
Heh, thanks, Poppy.
I'll have to make sure I have no tattoos that come and go, now, lmao!
You did what you had to do to pay your bills. Nobody got hurt, nobody got victimized, and you made money. Good for you!
I have friends who have worked in porn, done 1-900 numbers, and done all of that. I would never judge anyone for choosing that, even if you still did it right now. Just because our society puts such a stigma on sex it seems like a shameful thing to many people, but it’s not. It’s healthy and beautiful and awesome.
Avitable´s last blog ..If I was a country music star
It definitely is all those things. Though I could use a little more of it, lately, heh. Thanks, Adam.
I agree with everyone else , you did what you had to do to make money and take care of your family. I am sorry it was hanging over your head. You’ll get no judgment from me. Miss Britt said it was a shame that live in a society where that is the easiest way for a woman to make money, and it is, but this is nothing new at all. The web just makes it safer, not to actually have to deal with the viewers in person. But selling sex is nothing new.
It is definitely safer..I would never have danced in a club or something, even if I had a supermodel body…we all have our limits and I couldn't stand people's hands on me unless I absolutely want them there, yanno?
Thanks, Jenni.
no judgment from me, you do what you have to do to keep a roof over your head and food in the kids bellies. And I agree, the web makes the whole industry more accessible and less dangerous
fidget´s last blog ..Trying to piece it together: the arrival of Saffi Ann
Thank you, Erin, and this is totally off topic, but Good Lord your daughter is gorgeous!
You’re all ashamed of it and I’m thinking, damn, send me some info.
You have nothing, and I mean absolutely, positively, not one little bitty thing to be ashamed of.
You’re made of tough stuff lady, and don’t you forget it.
Brian though? I kinda want to punch in the face.
PS : I love you.
Yeah, he was a big douche. He works now. It's the one thing I can depend on with him now, so people *can* change. But responsibility in general is still a big problem
I just hate that something legal, that hurt no one, can be used against you. That just makes me so mad. I don’t see anything wrong with what you did.
I understand about the waiting bit…. I worry constantly that the mildly naughty pics I took for an ex will fall into the wrong hands… And I think he was a good guy and deleted them, but what if I was wrong?
That's one thing I think: if I do get outed while my girls are young, I can use it as a lesson in not even taking those kind of pics because you just never know where they will end up. It's fun, but it's a risk that should be fully understood before taking. Thanks, Ariel.
I have never read your site before but came across it because I check on miss britt but I think you are brave for telling your story. I think no one should judge because no matter what anyone claims, you never know how far you will go for your kids or how you will react in certain situations. If you lose any readers/friends after this then they weren’t worth it to begin with. You did what you had to do and you did what was best for yourself and your children at that time. Take care.
Thanks, J.
PS: I love Miss Britt, too.
Hi sweetie! So uh, I’m a big girl with a cute face and a job I hate. Hook me up!
I don’t think any less of you. I would have done the same thing! In fact just a few weeks ago I was considering doing sex chat but it was too hard because you weren’t allowed to say certain things. Here I thought the one time I could say whatever I wanted would be on a damn sex chat website but NOPE. Anyway I am naked and sitting at my computer all the time anyway (I do customer service from home and if you think I’m getting dressed for that you are kuh-ray-zay) so I might as well make money off of THAT rather than take calls from assholes all day, right?! Wonder how the ol’ boyfriend would feel…hmm.
LOL, I totally could hook you up. iFriends is the most reliable camsite. You can even run a whole website on their system; it's pretty full featured. For phone, NiteFlirt is the most reliable phonesite. It's not a bad living, but you get burnt out on all the fakeness, you know? I'll never act turned on when I'm not again-my man's ego be damned. He will have to get me in the mood for real, lol!
Nuttin but love to you.
Thanks, Becky.
My own mother did what she had to do to provide for us. Good for you for doing whatever it takes for yourself and your kids. Much love to you.
Karen Sugarpants´s last blog ..Protected: Blindsided
Thank you Karen.
You fucking rock. I am so proud of you doing what you had to do. And you are such a goddam hottie, I should have PAID to see those sexy panties you had on in FL. LOVE YOU!!!
bubblewench´s last blog ..Everything is as ok as it can be
LMAO you saw me nekkid, fer free! See, I'm a bad whore! I give it away. *snort* I love you too! Can't wait to see you again!
I have no problem whatsoever with this, babe. As others have said, you did what you had to do to provide for your family.
I just want to know how much an annual subscription to your site costs.