Cheeky Sweetie

I certainly can’t pretend to know what other women want.  But I finally, finally, since hitting my thirties, have figured out what I want.  I know who I want to be, who I am, and for the most part, how to bridge that gap.  And I am finally starting to make the hard decisions and take the leaps of faith and find peace and happiness where I am.  That doesn’t mean I will stop striving to improve…to be the best me I can be…to give more of myself.  But that drive for more doesn’t have to mean that I can’t find contentedness where I am right now.  Still, goals are important, and standards or boundaries for yourself and for others are necessary.

What I want with regard to my children:

• I want to provide a physically and emotionally safe and healthy environment for them.  I want to give them everything they need, and some of what they want.  I want them to grow in an environment that allows them room to make choices, and make mistakes when necessary, but safely within the boundaries I set for them.
• I want to set a positive example for them. I want to be the kind of woman I hope my girls will one day be, and the kind of woman I hope my son will someday choose. I don’t mean I want them to be just like me; I just want them to have the kind of values I live by.
• I want them to be as independent as possible.  I won’t always be here to guide their decisions.  I don’t want to control them…I want to give them the tools they need to control themselves.
• I want them to know, above all, that they are loved and cherished.  I will make mistakes….daily.  But I know if my love shines through, it will transcend them all and give them the self-worth they need to forgive me.
• I want to be clear about my expectations for them, and be consistent in the consequences for falling short of them. Uncertainty makes it next to impossible to learn, and learning is the whole point of discipline.
• I want to provide them with a routine that gives them the security of knowing what to expect.  But I also need to teach them the need for flexibility by bending the routine when necessary.

What I want with regard to my relationship:

• I want to laugh.  I want to be silly and goofy and let the stress of life melt away in the face of the bond I share with my partner.
• I want to know that my partner respects my strength, but will be there for me when I need to completely fall apart.  No one can be strong all of the time.  I want to be a team, taking on all the BS the world has to throw at us, knowing we can rely on one another.
• I want my partner to like my children. Loving them is important, but liking to be around them is just as critical, because I am with them most of the time.
• I want to be intellectually challenged by my partner.
• I want to know that my partner is honest with me, all of the time.  The kind of trust and security that honesty inspires in me keeps jealousy, clinginess, and suspicion out of our relationship.
• I want affection.  The connection stays vibrant with the seemingly insignificant brushes and touches and squeezes throughout the day.
• I want that surge….that jolt from my brain down to the bottom of my belly when I think about my partner intimately.
• I want my partner to “get” me.  He doesn’t have to like the same things….but I want him to understand the things that are important to me and allow me to enjoy them without being threatened by them because they don’t necessarily include him.  We both had lives before, and we should be able to meld our lives together without losing what was important to us then.
• I want to be listened to. Really listened to. I have issues with feeling insignificant, and not being heard feeds those insecurities.
• I want to be appreciated.  The more I feel like what I offer of myself is appreciated, the more I want to give. It’s a win/win.  I don’t ask for anything I am not willing to give.

What I want with regard to myself:

• I want to get to a size that I feel comfortable in. I don’t know exactly what weight that is, or even what size, but I just want to feel like I can be myself without feeling awkward because of my size.
• I want to re-enroll in school in 2010. There is no excuse for someone with my academic capability to not have even earned an associate’s degree at 32 years old. And I LOVE to learn.
• I want to get my local business site launched within the next four months.  I have a gut feeling that it could be really successful.
• I want to cook for my family five nights a week.  Because they are worth it, and I do love to cook when the fog leaves my head.  And I am usually a damned good cook, too.
• I want to start my non-profit next year.  I need to create a curriculum and pitch it to churches locally.  I’ll teach the groups for whatever the church and participants can donate, because people need these kind of skills to be functional.
• I want to procrastinate less.  I can only imagine what changing this one habit of mine will do for my stress level.
• I want to live in the moment more. I’m a planner..and I enjoy planning..but sometimes I get so wrapped up in planning that DOING never happens.

Some of these things are already happening…but far too few.  Life is short, and I’ve spent a lot of mine unsure of who I was and what I want, and having no idea what direction to move in to even begin creeping closer to whatever it was I wanted.  These days, I just want a simple, happy life with my kids, and I want to share it with someone that puts our relationship high on his list of priorities.  And above all, I want to be at peace with the woman I see in the mirror every day.