Bridging the gap
The Breakup
I’m a bit unsure of how to handle The Breakup on my blog. I’ve always been one who wrote freely. What I feel is what I express, and it’s true that what I feel can change, but I want my blog to be a reflection of me in that moment in time in which that post was written.
But now I am in a situation where I have to balance my need for expression with respect for someone’s suffering..someone I do care about. How do I share my feelings here, honestly, without self-censorship, when his actions in the recent past tell me he will likely be here, reading my words? For what, I don’t know. Is he looking for permission to move on? Is he looking for a sign of weakness, a sign that I am unsure that I made the right decision? I just don’t know.
What I do know is that my heart is at peace. I’ve spent years trying to feel something I don’t, because I just couldn’t let go of the dream I had to have a whole family for my daughters. He’s not the person he was five years ago. But I can’t get around the fear that he could be that person again, and just fall in love with the person he is now. I’ve tried, and I can’t do it. I can’t continue to deprive him of what he needs, either.
It had to end. It just had to. The alternative was running this relationship into the ground until there was no hope that we could sit side by side at our daughters’ graduations and weddings without them having to give a moment’s thought to whether Mom and Dad would be able to stifle the rancor long enough to keep from ruining the day.
And I will just have to talk about it sometimes. I know it is probably difficult for some to understand, since I am the one who ended the relationship, but this is difficult for me, too. I HATE hurting people, especially people I care for, and I will always care for him, until I take my last breath. This is going to hurt my children, and you all know how much their well being means to me. It is complicating the mutual friendships we have cultivated over the last two decades. Sometimes I’ll need to talk about the immediate havoc my decision has caused. I hope he understands that and can give me the space I need to wade through all the thoughts and emotions swirling in me, as I am trying to do for him.
And, in time, I think we will find a balance between appreciating what was, and finding peace in what is.
You're very thoughtful to take his feelings into consideration and that type of civility is always a good sign.
Thank you, Adam. I know in time it will be fine, but getting to there is the hard part.
I wrote all up and down the internet when I left my ex. It was all the support I had and since he didn't bother to know me then or read my blog I felt free to let her rip.
All I know is life is too short to be anything less than happy (or at least working towards happiness, since life is full of up and downs- one can't always be perfectly happy:)).
You owe it to your children to show them what healthy relationships are- whether it's with someone or alone because it wasn't healthy.
And you shouldn't stay with someone you can't trust. Period.
Thank you Ariel.
Things have settled into a precarious, but comfortable friendship. There are moments when my heart breaks for the loss of the dream of our family whole…but I like him so much more now that he is not something else for me to manage. I can appreciate him as a person more now. Except when he acts like a jackass, of course. *snort*