Runaway
My ex-husband told me once that he didn’t think I could ever be satisfied, or something to that effect. Not *that* way, you pervs. He meant that I have such high expectations for the people around me that sometimes it feels like reaching them isn’t even possible. It gave me pause, because while I want my loved ones to aim high, a never ending quest isn’t good for the morale. I do have pretty firm expectations, for myself as well as others, but the truth is, it’s not out of line for me to expect things like honest, respect, responsibility, communication even, from my life partner. That’s why I left him, really. If I can’t expect those basic foundations for a healthy relationship from someone, what the hell is the point of staying together and being unhappy?
And then something new blossomed in my life. Something beautiful and deeper than anything I’ve felt in a long time, if ever. I could trust him to be honest with me, always. He respected everything about me, and showed it in the way he treated me. He was more helpful and playful with my girls than I think my girls had any idea a grown man could be. Communication was never a chore; it was a joy. The laughter we shared was nearly constant, but the serious moments were meaningful and emotional.
And I got scared, like I do when something incredible comes along to me. I get scared that I’m not enough..that I’m too much. That I won’t be able to measure up. That I will mess things up. That I will get hurt. That one day, after I give my heart over, he will realize that I’m nothing special-I’m just a chubby girl who is unsure of everything she does and who expects too much. And to compound matters, I still felt a little sadness over the breakup of my old family, and I didn’t think it fair to give my new love anything less than all I could give him…all of my heart.
So I did what scared little girls do.
I ran. Hightailed it like I was running for my life. And I was running for my life, but in the wrong damn direction. Because I was wrong.
I made a big mistake. And I just wanted to take responsibility for it.
People make mistakes, but don't beat yourself up for it. Take some time to really understand why you ran, and truly decide what you want. If that person is who you want, then let that person know why you ran too. I bet you $5 that they'll welcome you back with no judgment…..
Yeah, I did the same thiing 26 years ago…met a wonderful guy, coming out of a horrendous marriage…felt it was too soon. I mean we are told, don't rush into anything right away..right, rebound relationships don't work. Ran like heck from the wonderful guy, we will be married 23 year this year. Took a bit, but we worked it out. He is the father to my two children that they never had. We have 3 grandchildren and are happier today than we were 23 years ago.
Running away means that you can keep them a perfect memory – there's no chance of them realizing that you weren't good enough for them. Watching yourself push them away out of fear is a horrible feeling – you KNOW you're doing it, you know you shouldn't, and yet… you just can't seem to stop yourself. Why do we believe that getting hurt on OUR terms is any better than taking a chance that they might leave? Shit, can you tell I know what you're talking about here?
Not enough? Too much? Aw, babe, don't you get it? You're the THIRD bowl of porridge.
Don't beat yourself up over it. New relationships are so hard, especially when you've been through one that was supremely bad for you in all ways. I know that the other person probably gets this 100% for he is not perfect either.
I wanted to tell you something else too, after witnessing some stuff online….your relationship is about YOU and this other person, not his friends and his online posse. I hate that it seemed like you were answering to them all for a choice you had to make to protect your heart. That will be all. Ahem.
i have faith in you. if you want something, you can make it happen.
much love to you…
I don't really have the brain function to come up with an encouraging comment but I just wanted to let you know that I'm here.
::hugs::
Also, Karl's little example thingy? So awesome and true.
As usual. I think I understand exactly what you mean Angel. For whatever that may be worth to you…♥
Awww, this was beautifully written. And I'm with Sybil, you can run back, right?