I am going to be very raw and real here and to be perfectly honest, I am not sure I can even post this once I write it.  If I do, I may not leave it up for long.  But I need to write.  I need to try to organize my thoughts and feelings and try to make some sense of it all.

I’m struggling.  I usually do that when our finances get in a mess, and they are *really* in a mess right now.  I was denied food stamps, more than likely because DCF’s fax line was busy every time I tried to fax them the verification they asked for. For the full week before the deadline.  And I’m not even sure if what I had was acceptable anyway because how am I supposed to prove child support paid privately, instead of through the courts?  And why didn’t they want that in December when I applied the first time?  So I’m appealing and hoping the food stamps I still have from May are enough to feed us until then.  And how long am I going to wait to get a decision from unemployment about reinstating the benefits they suspended, not because I did not submit the information they asked for…but because I thought that the red starred items marked “required” were the only required information?  Silly me.  Or because I thought just submitting the information would be enough…not that I would have to call, for hours, to speak with a human and ask them to review it.  Silly me.  I thought “Submit” meant Submit, not “Whether you fill out this information online or not, we won’t review it until you ask us nicely to do so.”  Silly me.

All the bills that have already become due this month are late, except our car insurance.  In all honesty, if I can’t find a job THIS WEEK, or get both food stamps and unemployment reinstated, I may have to cancel the insurance and just pray nothing happens.  My kids have to eat, you know?  It’s illegal in Florida to drive without insurance.  But it’s also illegal to starve your kids or hook on the street corner and those are my alternatives.  We are completely out of money, we have no credit cards, and our completely minimized expenses are greater than our income.

And it’s not like I haven’t been trying to find a job.  I’ve probably made over 100 contacts.  Several, through friends seemed promising.  But the ONLY response I received that wasn’t a craigslist scam was from a small cafe about ten miles away, for a part time waitressing job.  My interview is on Tuesday.  If I don’t get it, I’m so screwed.

I scrapped my van for $200 and did someone’s homework for $60 to pay the power bill.  I’m trying to sell my iPad to pay the mortgage.  I wish my mom and our friend who are on our cell phone plan would throw some in on the bill, because I only have half of that, and since I’m canceling the house phone this month, we kind of need our cell phones or I’ll have no chance in hell of finding a job-they will have no way to reach me.  I can cut the internet until school starts again in the fall.  We shut off the central a/c unit and are just running a window unit in the living room to try to reduce the bill.  The kids have been sleeping in the there because their rooms are like ovens. The pool is green because we can’t afford the chemicals, and our poor kids are stuck in this Florida hotbox all summer-we can’t afford to take them anywhere to do anything, and they can’t even use the pool in their own backyard.  I had to borrow money to get the MMR shot I needed to enroll at USF.

We are middle America and we are on the brink of losing everything.  I know everyone is having to tighten their belts a bit, but this is ridiculous.  I can’t be so close to homelessness, can I?  But yes, I can.  The mortgage is in my mom’s name…I can’t let it damage her credit, and she retired last year-she can’t afford the mortgage.  But I’m already late.  Might we have to leave to rent it out…opening a whole new slew of potential problems?  I hate this house.  But it’s our home and I know we will never find another house with enough room for $600/month.  Even if we could, how do we know the renters won’t find themselves in our same shoes two months in and we wind up homeless, and STILL with an unpaid mortgage?  So where will we wind up?  And we certainly can’t afford a deposit or we could just stay here.  This is how families get trapped at weekly hotels, never able to save enough to get back in a home because they can’t save the deposits while keeping the family under a roof somewhere now.

I’ve scrapped a van..I’m selling my iPad..I think I may have to sell the pickup truck from my Daddy which completely breaks my heart..even more than the fact that I may have to sell my car that I LOVE and try to find something reliable enough to get me to classes in St Pete in the fall, (90 minutes away, twice a week. And back.), that is cheaper..the only good jewelry I have means so much to me that I can’t hold back the tears any more at the thought of having to sell them.  My wedding rings, and things from people I’ve lost…my mother-in-law’s necklace that my father and sister in law gifted me for my birthday…the ring that my brother wore…my Dad’s wedding band…my Grammy’s gold chain and ring.

I’ve had some lovely people offer to help.  And I know it is prideful to not accept the help that is offered.  But I don’t want to be perceived as a mooch.  I WANT to pay my own way.  I want a job, a fair wage, a chance to prove that I have so much to offer.  I don’t want to need any help.  I hate being on unemployment and food stamps, but until someone gives me a shot to prove I can be an asset to their business, I can’t survive without them.  I can’t feed my children without them.  Every day I don’t have them or a job makes that more and more apparent.  I’m in a panic, all the time.  And I feel like I can’t take it any more.

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I’m seeing people that I really respect reposting a message about the new Florida drug testing for welfare law, and I just have to address it.  I believe in the right to free speech, even when I disagree with the message, but I also believe that people should look at all sides of an issue before taking a position, especially publicly.

I wonder how many of those people have actually applied for state benefits.  Those who have not tend to think of welfare as an easy to get handout.  They tend to think of welfare recipients as stereotypes: lazy, having babies to get state benefits instead of working, making money that goes unreported so they can net more benefits, driving Lexus’ to pick up groceries with food stamps, etc.  The common thread is the mentality that people on welfare WANT to be on welfare rather than being independent.  In my opinion, making that assumption is comparable to judging someone based on their color, religion, sex, disability, sexuality, or any other factor independent of character.

I’m on welfare.  Or, I was, until the end of May.  I applied for benefits when I was laid off from my job in December.  I’d like to share my experience….a much more common experience than the rare abuse of the system that people seem compelled to believe is the rule rather than the exception.  I applied for food stamps and medical coverage.  The income limits are so low for cash assistance that even with only $720 income monthly for four people, (which is enough for my $600 mortgage and my power bill, when I am not running the heat or a/c), I knew did not qualify so I did not bother to apply.

I had to provide:

• signed statements from my old employer (and then the payroll company when they would not accept the paper from my employer-faxes I paid for since I don’t have a fax machine at home)
• proof of the kids’ immunizations
• birth certificates (which I had to replace at $10/each)
• proof of my son’s Survivor’s benefits (I’m sure they have access to that info electronically, but I had to drive to a neighboring county to the office to get a letter)
• proof of enrollment in school
• divorce papers (I had to pay to fax this multipage document three times because they kept losing it)
• my bank account numbers and balances
• information about all my property and its value, essentially just my vehicle in my case

In all, I’d say it cost me about $75 to provide them with all the information they required to make a decision.  I stood to gain more than that in benefits, so it was a good investment, and thankfully I applied before I was down to nothing.  Most people who apply don’t WANT to apply…they don’t want to be dependent on welfare.  So they try everything they can to handle it on their own, and by the time they apply, there isn’t anything left to invest.  I’d love to know how many cases that would qualify are denied because of not providing data that the state can access electronically.  I know Child Support Enforcement can use the IRS database and birth records to track noncustodial parents…I’m sure DCF (Department of Children and Families, Florida’s agency for child and elder protection and welfare) does too.

But I still wasn’t done proving myself worthy.

There is a state statute that says that welfare recipients must comply with Child Support Enforcement.  I objected to registering with CSE.  My girls’ father and I divorced in 2005 and he was ordered to pay $300/month in child support.  I asked for a smaller amount than I was entitled to because he has full custody of his son, without receiving any financial support from the mother, ever.  I knew he couldn’t continue to provide for his son on his own if he had to pay more, and $300 was all I needed to pay his share of their food, clothing, and shelter.  In the years since our divorce, if he wasn’t living with us and providing direct support by sharing the bills, he was paying support.  Every payday, he put cash in my hand.  I have to say that he has always been reliable about providing support to our girls.  Had he paid it to the CSE system, it would have delayed my receipt of these funds by up to a week, AND they charge HIM a fee for their ‘services’.  Another factor is that I am terrified of CSE.  In the early days of our marriage, every year they would take him to court for arrears in support for his oldest daughter…every year we gave our tax refund to satisfy the support we owed, but for some reason that makes NO sense to anyone, they hold the funds for 180 days before releasing them to the custodial parent.  We went in with proof that the funds needed to catch up our account were already given, but they didn’t care.  They threw him in jail every year, leaving me alone to provide for our two children and even HIS son.  (In a twist, had we been on welfare then, we probably could have been able to pay support for her without starving our own children.)  I’m petrified that’s what they will do again, and what good will he do ANY of his kids while sitting in jail…how are parents supposed to support their kids from jail?  They denied food stamps for me based on my ‘lack of cooperation’ with CSE because I won’t hand over control of my child support situation to them.  The kids can still receive benefits, but not me, because I am ‘noncompliant’. (You would think they would be happy that my family doesn’t need these additional services-it is only costing taxpayers MORE money to force everyone to go through CSE whether there is a need or not.  So much for small government.  Not EVERY family or personal issue needs to be handled by Big Brother…but essentially I was penalized for having a fantastic relationship with my ex-husband.  And even worse?  The alternative was that he would be penalized even though he has never been noncompliant in supporting our children.  I wonder how many well-functioning families have been thrown into turmoil because of being forced to hand over control of their child support situation to this agency.)

After about 30 days, the children received Medicaid and food stamps.  (I had Medicaid for 14 days, then it was pulled, even though my case says I was eligible.  I have no idea about that.)  The food stamps have ensured my kids have been able to have a decent dinner every night, and I am thankful for them.  Now that school is out, and I have them home all day, I will need the help even more.  I really don’t mind that I only eat once a day.  I’ve lost weight, as a result.  But my kids need healthy food, whether I’ve been able to find another job or not.

My certification ran out at the end of May, so I submitted a review on May 10th to be sure there was plenty of time for them to look it over.  I thought, they already have everything they need..it shouldn’t be an issue.  But now they want me to prove that I receive ‘child support privately’. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to prove that, so I just had Brian write a statement and I’ve been trying to fax it for weeks now.  The fax number is always busy.  June 6th was the deadline.  I have no idea what to do now…I just keep trying to fax the paper, every day..even though it’s probably too late now.

I’ve worked since I was 16 or 17.  I’ve paid taxes most of if not all of my adult life, so people just like me have help in situations like mine.  I don’t mind it at all.  I think it’s my responsibility as a member of this society to contribute toward others.  I am the very reason these programs exist, but even I have had to jump through hoops-sometimes repeatedly.  It’s not easy at all to qualify for the assistance these programs provide.  Had I not had the money for copies, faxing, gas, etc, or a home address for paperwork to be sent to, or a phone to receive or make calls to the caseworker…or the intelligence to field the barrage of requests for things I had already submitted, I wouldn’t have been approved at all. And people without those things probably don’t have family to turn to for help.  They just go without.  (Until someone reports them to DCF for not providing for their kids properly and then the very agency they went to for help takes their children away.)

Getting back to drug testing welfare applicants…

I anticipate that the drug test will cost around $35, and that cost is paid up front by the applicant.  If the results are negative, the applicant will be reimbursed.  (Although I have to question with what method reimbursement will take place, and how long it will take for that to happen.  From my experience, the government is quick to take our money and slow to return it.)  If the results are positive, they can designate another adult to receive benefits for any minor children, but that adult will also have to be drug tested, with the same conditions.  There is nothing in place to provide any help to those who test positive with substance abuse counseling, education, or treatment…all they get is six months of being barred from applying for benefits.

The number of families who do not have $35+ to pay for a drug test is going to be huge.  These are families who are already struggling or they wouldn’t be applying for help…$30 is a water bill unpaid, a week or two of diapers, several meals, gas to job hunt for the week.  They will either go without, or turn to other agencies to help bridge the gap this requirement will create, only raising their dependency on public assistance programs.  Another issue I have is with the other adult appointed to receive benefits for children whose parent has tested positive.  Testing negative on a drug test is not a qualified indicator of morality…I wonder how many families will have their benefits stolen by unscrupulous appointees.

This regulation relies on many assumptions:

• that if you test positive for drugs (which, in the case of marijuana, may have been used well before even applying for benefits) you must be using state benefits for your children to pay for them.  That assumption is full of holes, beginning with the fact that the people tested haven’t even been awarded benefits yet, which means the assumption ACTUALLY is:
• that if you test positive for drugs, you must be a bad parent and morally corrupt enough to spend your children’s benefits on your drug habit. Using drugs does not, in and of itself, make you a bad parent, and it certainly does not mean you would spend your babies’ benefits on your drug use, any more than passing a drug test means you are morally superior and would never spend your babies’ benefits for other selfish reasons.
• that if you test positive for drugs, you are a regular drug user and buyer.  Who can say they don’t know someone who occasionally will smoke a joint or do a line with friends, but never buys it or has their own stash?  I’m NOT making any moral statement on that practice.  I am SIMPLY saying that testing positive, especially for something that could have been consumed just once, at any time within the last month, does not mean you are an addict or that you have a dependency, and it does NOT mean you spend any money on drugs.  It certainly CAN mean that, but this regulation makes that assumption, across the board.

It’s not that I disagree with the sentiment that it’s unfair that job applicants get drug tested and welfare applicants don’t.  That really *is* incongruous and I don’t have a solution for that.  What bothers me is that this perpetuates the myth that the average welfare applicant or recipient is not worthy of helping and places the onus on the applicant to prove themselves beyond financial need, and even more so, that this places yet another barrier for families that need the most help. Welfare reform is a valid concern, but this tactic will only temporarily reduce the bottom line.  Rick Scott’s leadership style is to satisfy the taxpayers of today with reducing spending, regardless of the effect it will have on future taxpayers.  His education budget cuts alone prove our children (our future!) are not his main concern-the budget is.  We may pay less out in state funds due to this regulation and his other cuts for a time…but in the long run it will cost us, not only in other programs that will be more heavily relied upon but more importantly, in our future, as a society.  I agree that something needs to be done about wasteful spending…but am I the only one who sees that the people responsible for cutting the budget are almost never willing to look at their own offices and salaries and those of their high ranking cronies?  No, they look to the poorest, the little people, the low man on the totem pole to bear the brunt of their slashing.

And, you really ought to know that just before taking office, the governor who signed this law turned over his company which specializes in drug testing, to his wife.  In his mind, this is not a conflict of interest.  But I can not help but be suspicious. Among other things.

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This thought keeps smacking me in the face at the most inopportune times.  Sometimes it really is like a slap; It catches me off guard and brings me to attention like the crack of a rifle very near.  Other times it is more like a seductive caress creeping in through the corners of my thoughts.

“You need to organize your time as well as space. You are accomplishing much less than you are capable of. Stop cheating your loved ones and the world at large by letting life overwhelm you and paralyze you.  Figure out what matters most to you, and focus your energy where you will get the returns that matter most to you.”

Damn, if that doesn’t make perfect sense.  My inaction is almost never borne from apathy.  Rather, it is my perfectionism manifesting in a self-sabotaging way.  If I can’t do something knock-it-out-of-the-park well, I’d really rather not do it.  I don’t know if this is simply the fear of failure, or if I am just someone who needs to reassure herself that I am valuable through success.  Honestly, I don’t care, except that self-awareness breeds empowerment to change ineffective behavior.  I just want to live better.

I want to feel confident again.  I don’t mean about my looks…that is a whole other post.  I mean about who I am, the decisions I make, the good I can do…what I contribute to the world, both in the smaller scale with my family and friends and humanity as a whole.  I want to feel like I can handle whatever life throws at me.  Anxiety has been robbing me of parts of myself for years, but confidence is the thing anxiety took from me that I miss the most.

So, I am going to start living purposefully.  They say the best way to become something is to act like you already are.  So I’m figuring out my goals, and making a plan for getting there.  I’m tired of letting my life run me.  It’s time to run my life.

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Some of my friends have very tumultuous relationships with their mothers.  I listen to their stories and I just can’t imagine having a mother who could do such things.  In my world, a mother is kind and generous.  She always has her family’s best interests at heart.  She does make sacrifices for her family, but she still retains her identity.  She is an example…a role model.  She is strong and fierce when protecting her family, but humble enough to take responsibility for her mistakes.  To me, this is a mother, because that is the mother I had.

Her name is Joy, and I don’t think she could have been given a more appropriate name.  She was the kind of child who didn’t get spanked in a time when everyone was spanked because she only needed a stern, disappointed look and a few words to be redirected.  When my grandfather died, she was a young, first time mom to my brother.  But it soon became apparent that her little half brother was not safe in his mother’s care, and when the state stepped in, she adopted him and raised him as her own.  She maintained a very close relationship with my grandmother, and after I was born, the five of us moved from Rhode Island to Florida…into the very same house that I am sitting in as I write this.  She met my Daddy down here and married him when I was around two.  He wasn’t biologically my father, but he will always be my Daddy, and she gave me that, too.  She worked more than one job frequently throughout her young adulthood, and after marrying my Dad, she went back to school to become a nurse…at the same school I am earning my AA from next month.  I remember her commencement and pinning…in December, it will be she who attends my commencement there.

She worked long, hard hours for nearly 25 years at a hospital she wound up commuting an hour back and forth to.  She did that for me.  So I could have everything I needed, and some of what I wanted.  She did very little for herself…and yet the well that she dipped in to give of herself to her loved ones and just others in general seemed bottomless.  She stood by me when I was a terrified pregnant 16yo, and she cut the cord when I had my son, eight days before my 17th birthday.  She never once made me feel like a disappointment, though I know I let her down many times.  She helped me navigate single motherhood, balancing a child, a job, and school, and even helped me get my first real home.  I couldn’t have done any of it without her, because I lacked the experience and wisdom she contributed.

When I got married, and then divorced, she let me come back home without hesitation, even with two more children than the one I left with.  She encouraged me as I went back to work and school, and offered whatever help I wasn’t too proud to accept.  When I reunited with my ex-husband, many times, even after telling her probably more than I should have about the circumstances of the many breakups, she welcomed him back with open arms and no questions asked.

She’s *always* been there for me.  Always.  I’ve always known I was so loved.  I’ve always known that I have somebody on this earth who values me in a way everyone should be valued.  I’ve always had a shining example of what a woman and mother should be to emulate.  I’ve always had someone in my corner.  I wish all my friends could say that.  The fact that they can’t only makes me value that I did so much more.

Mom, I just want to thank you.  You gave me everything a mother should give, and then some.  You were everything a mother should be, and then some.  I know my brothers and I haven’t cured cancer, or won the Nobel Peace Prize.  But you raised some really unique, amazing people, even with all the obstacles life threw at you.  You are my hero, Mom.  I have so much respect for you; you are everything I am striving to be.  You always tell me I am a wonderful mother, but you taught me everything I know.  I cherish every day that we both walk this earth together, and when the day comes that I have to let you go, know that your legacy will go on, in your children, and our children, and their children.

Happy Mother’s Day.  I can’t even explain how much I love you, but I hope this gives you a glimpse.

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I’ve been somewhat thoughtful, as I navigate the treacherous waters of non-traditional student-hood during finals week.  I’ve learned a lot in the last several months.  My favorite class was my Intro to Humanities class, which amuses me because I put meeting my school’s humanities requirement off until nearly the very end because I expected to hate it.  I thought it would be boring, stuffy lectures about art techniques and lots of probing artworks that we may never understand without the artists’ express explanation.  I was wrong.

I learned about history.  I learned really interesting things about what has happened on this earth we walk, and I came home and filled my family’s heads with what I found fascinating.  (Yes, even if they didn’t.)  I can talk about the World Wars or the fall of the Roman Empire without feeling like I am a child clumsily trying to keep up with the adults’ conversation now.

I learned about religion.  Now I understand the roots of the tension between so many.  I still think tolerance is the only way, but at least now I understand the foundations of these epic battles still waged today both in battlefields and backyards.  I know why the Madonna became prevalent in the Roman Catholic church when it did.  I know about anti-semitism in a very real way now, that I will forever be affected by.

I did learn about art, but not the stuffy way I had imagined.  I fell in love with Canova’s Cupid and Psyche and Rodin’s The Kiss. (That is Canova’s sculpture in the photo above.  It’s amazing, as is his other work. Carved out of a single piece of marble in 1796, and standing 61 inches tall, this piece is so exquisitely done that you can see the light through Cupid’s *marble* wings.)  I now know that Van Gogh painted not with a brush, but with a palette knife.  I learned that it’s FINE that Picasso makes no sense to me.  Surrealism is pretty nonsensical, by definition, after all.

I learned about architecture. Oh, sweet, architecture.  Buildings call out to me in a way I find hard to describe.  I want to photograph them, from every angle, with every lens, and run them through every filter, until I can find the ones that let me show them they way I see them. I know all about cathedrals now, and rose windows, and flying buttresses…if I ever make it to Europe, you are going to be *so* sick of cathedral photos.  Also?  Guggenheim, people.  Form follows function.

But really?  I learned about people.  I learned both how small I am, and how much impact I can have, if I choose to, and follow through.  I was blessed enough to have a truly great instructor, who brought the world around us to life, with only a darkened classroom, a Powerpoint presentation, and her own passion.  For that long hour, I had a window to the world and all its past, present, and potential future.

It was epic.

*Photo credit: sebastiagiralt on Flickr*

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It is next to impossible to explain anxiety to someone who has never experienced it.  I’ve tried, repeatedly, with very disappointing results.  Variations have included:

• The feeling you get when you hear nails on a chalkboard or whatever sound has that kind of effect on you.
• A swarm of bees inside you, getting more and more agitated as they creep toward your brain.
• An elephant on your chest, sinking further into you every time you exhale.
• An overwhelming feeling of unease…like something REALLY! FREAKING! BAD! is going to happen if you can’t get out of your own skin RIGHT! THIS! SECOND!
• All the air being sucked out of the room, or, conversely, so much air being pumped in that the pressure being exerted on you feels absolutely bone crushing.

None of those are exactly right…but I think the sense of desperation is clear.  In that moment, I am nothing short of desperate to make the feeling stop.  Eventually it does stop, and I am swept with feelings of hopelessness, guilt, and a new sense of desperation, this time, to just be normal.

I wonder what it is like to be able to just decide to do something on a whim…to be able to face large groups without the inevitable meltdown that precedes every family function…to be able to cope when the myriad of little things that will inevitably go wrong do, in fact, go wrong.  I know that at one time, I didn’t have anxiety.  I wish I could remember what it was like, but all I can connect with it is the fleeting feeling of freedom when I am driving alone in my car with the windows down and the radio up.

I know it is hard for my family to live with me.  I know I am moody and I react badly to being disappointed.  I am impatient and I expect things to be MY way.  Sometimes I get so angry because I have explained over and over what I need from my family to help me control my anxiety but they don’t take it seriously, and I lash out, saying or doing things I regret. I don’t want to be the mom that the kids tell stories about and their friends make comments about how awful that must have been.

*Photo credit: amber10_75 on Flickr*

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